1. You are amazingly orange.
2. You are amazingly yellow.
3. You are amazingly... the same? Hey!
4. Your hands are orange, orange, orange.

There are a few sunless tanning disasters we won't get into here: your sunless tan comes off after you spend the day surfing; friends assume you have just returned from Hawaii and ransack your home for macadamia nuts; politically correct people accuse you of tanning bed use and force you to look at pictures of Brigitte Bardot. These are all serious problems, but I haven't a clue as to how to prevent them. I am sorry.

So on to what we can prevent :

• You are amazingly orange.
  
  How to prevent:
  
  
  1. Do not believe sunless tanning package instructions that suggest: "Apply additional coats every three hours to obtain desired color." Sunless tanners can continue to darken for several hours; never reapply a sunless tanner for at least twelve hours when it's a product you haven't used before.
  
  
  
  2. Don't use products that are too dark for your skin tone. If you are very pale, stay away from all dark and extra dark products. Start with light products, then work your way up to medium.
  
  
  
  3. Don't use too much of the sunless tanning product. Typically, you will need anywhere from one to two ounces for a full body application. Start with one ounce if it's a product you haven't used before [furry men will have to use more. I am sorry].


• You are amazingly yellow.
  
  How to prevent:
  
  
  1. Exfoliate your skin before applying a sunless tanner.
  
  
  
  2. As your sunless tan ages, it's more likely to look yellow. Generally, a sunless tan starts to get old after three to five days. So exfoliate and reapply!
  
  
  
  3. Use a liquid skin cleanser instead of bar soap when you bathe [this is just a theory I have, but it couldn't hurt].
  
  
  
  4. Don't look at yourself in a mirror under fluorescent lighting.


• You are amazingly... the same? Hey!
  
  How to prevent:
  
  
  1. Don't skimp on the product. With your average sunless tanning lotion, you will need one to two ounces for a full body application. Didn't I say that already? I am sorry.
  
  
  
  2. Don't swim, bathe, exercise, or apply any lotions to your skin for three hours after applying the sunless tanner.
  
  
  
  3. The active ingredient in sunless tanners [dihydroxyacetone] degrades once it has been exposed to air. Depending on the package design, it will hold up from two months to a year after the package has been opened. So never buy a sunless tanner which was previously opened; it could be a dud.
  
  
  
  4. If you are skin type III - IV, don't bother with light sunless tanners, especially the drugstore/supermarket variety. They won't contain enough of the active ingredient to do anything for you.


• Your hands are orange, orange, orange.
  
  How to prevent:
  
  
  1. Wear gloves.
  
  
  
  2. If you aren't going to wear gloves, don't even think about applying sunless tanners with your bare hands unless you have a nail scrubbing brush, because you will need it to wash the palms of your hands. Regular hand washing isn't going to do it.
  
  
  
  3. Still haven't bought the gloves? While you are applying the sunless tanner, stop every five minutes to wash your hands. With the brush!
     
     
  4. Just wear the gloves .